Episode 33: Show Notes
Today we’re going to introduce you to a problem you didn’t even know you had! In this episode, we broach the topic of the reflexivity trap or awareness laundering. The reflexivity trap is the idea that by professing the awareness of our faults, it somehow absolves us of them. We discuss some of the ways this plays out in our lives, such as apologizing for always being late but not taking steps to be somewhere on time. We chat about how this has been normalized in society, how self-awareness plays out differently in different generations, and how people tend to congratulate each other on their self-awareness but not challenge each other to change their behavior. We also talk about how people hide behind mental health self-diagnoses and their star signs to justify their behavior. For this revelatory conversation on the importance of being sincere and changing our actions when we apologize, how to ask for grace or extend grace while we work on ourselves, and when to challenge people on their excuses, tune in today!
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Key Points From This Episode:
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Our hosts reflect on the past two years and their hopes for 2022.
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An introduction to the topic of the reflexivity trap or awareness laundering.
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What the reflexivity trap is: the idea that professing awareness of a fault absolves you of it.
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Examples of how the reflexivity trap plays out in Kelly and Megan’s lives.
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How this has been normalized but is still not excusable.
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Thoughts on how self-awareness plays out differently in different generations.
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How people tend to congratulate each other on their self-awareness but that is not enough if they don’t change their behavior.
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How people hide behind mental health self-diagnoses and their star signs to justify their behavior.
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The problem of fetishizing individualism to a point that when we’re asked to do anything for the collective good, it feels like oppression.
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Why it’s okay to ask for grace when you’re working on an issue.
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The importance of giving grace to others when they are working on something.
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How a lot of these issues are survival skills we have learned from trauma.
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Thoughts on when to challenge people on their excuses.
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How these behaviors play out in romantic relationships.
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How awareness laundering is similar to performative allyship.
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The importance of being sincere when you apologize by then changing your behavior.
Tweetables:
“I walk into meetings and I say, very self-deprecatingly, ‘I’m so sorry. I’m always late. I’m the worst.’ I’ve reflexively absolved myself of it by being so self-aware, but I have not done anything to correct the problem.” — Kelly Castillo [0:10:47]
“If you’re doing something afterwards to change the behavior, that’s not awareness laundering. Awareness laundering is doing it notoriously over and over and not doing anything to change the behavior, but just putting yourself down so that others can pick you up.” — Megan Block [0:13:01]
“The world at large, and society at large, and the people in your life, should not have to adjust their expectations of you because you have diagnosed yourself with something, or someone else has diagnosed you with something, or your certain horoscope.” — Kelly Castillo [0:22:25]
“When you being exactly who you are, unapologetically, influences other people’s right to live their lives or just the rules of general polite society, then I think we’ve fetishized individualism to a point that when we’re asked to do anything for the collective good, it feels like oppression.” — Kelly Castillo [0:24:09]
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
The New Yorker: “Has Self-Awareness Gone Too Far in Fiction?”
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