Fake Noodles Usually Hurt My Feelings, But I’m Actually Okay With Palmini

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Let me start by saying I love pasta. 

Like, loooooove it. Any kind of noodle, from angel hair to ramen — I am a starchy carb girl. Make me noodles and I’ll eat them; I never discriminate. 

So when zoodles were introduced, I was horrified — not being dramatic. The look on my face when someone said “zucchini can be made into noodles” can only be described as one of pure betrayal. 

I felt the same way when sweet potato “fries” became a thing. First of all, they are not French fries; second, they dishonor my beloved potato. If you want to get technical about it, yes, a sweet potato is a potato. But is it really? Potatoes should not be sweet — which means that French fries should not be sweet. It’s carbohydrate blasphemy. 

I also feel very strongly about cauliflower disguised as bread, but if I go down that road I’ll probably black out — so back to fake noodles. 

Not only do they taste nothing like pasta, but the consistency is nowhere near the fluffiness of a noodle. How can it be? It is scientifically impossible to recreate that texture with a vegetable, but bless their hearts, they tried, and that’s admirable. 

So imagine my surprise when an Amazon package arrived at my door and inside was a bunch of Palmini linguine and angel hair “pasta.”

Was this a joke? Who sent me these? Why did they send them? Did I have an unknown enemy? 

The only culprit I could think of who would dare send fake noodles to my house is my mom, so I called her and asked, “Did you send me some weird fake noodles from Amazon?”

She quietly said “Yes. I saw them on ‘Shark Tank’ and thought they looked interesting” (disclaimer: my parents began watching ‘Shark Tank’ during COVID and my mom has sent me some products that are great). 

I thanked her and said I’d try them when I had zero intention of doing so. 

Then the guilt set in. She went out of her way to send me something and she hasn’t been wrong with her ‘Shark Tank’ purchases yet, so I took a closer look at the packages. 

They were made with hearts of palm and that DID seem interesting enough to pique my curiosity — hearts of palm are delicious. 

The investigation continued with me going to their site for more information. 

The description says “The first thing that you need to know is that Palmini is a low carb alternative. Palmini is made 100% out of Hearts of Palm. Therefore, if you eat it straight out of the can, it will taste like Hearts of Palm with a softer texture.”

Ok, that sounded tasty but not like pasta. 

I read on: “That being said, when properly rinsed and prepared, the resemblance to your favorite high carb dish is extraordinary. So much so, that some people actually believe they are eating the real thing! With such a low calorie and carb count, it’s a win-win!”

As interesting as the hearts of palm imposters sounded, I was still skeptical but I HAD to at least try it. 

I was doing it for my mom. 

I cracked open a can of linguine, took a sniff (bad habit) and it smelled great — would it taste great?

Emptying the can into the strainer, I was pleasantly surprised by how much they resembled noodles. The color, consistency — could they actually convert me into a fake noodle eater?

I heated them up with butter and garlic, adding capers and artichoke hearts to the dish after plating it. 

After a few bites, just like that, I went to the dark side. I loved the hearts of palm posing as pasta. 

They aren’t exactly fluffy, but the texture and consistency are super close to pasta. The added tang, being made from hearts of palm, is an extra bonus — it’s like pre-seasoned pasta!

So to anyone who feels as strongly as I do about fake noodles, I can highly recommend Palmini. It is a delicious alternative to pasta and I cannot believe I’m saying that. 

Forgive me, pasta. I still love you but I’m gonna cheat on you a few times a month. 

Have you tried Palmini? What do you think of it? Let us know in the comments!

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