Follow These Communication Tips To Have The Best Sex Ever

Look, I’m going to be honest with you: when I was younger, I’d go out with someone on a date, head back to either of our places, and have extremely mediocre sex. I’ve also been in short-lasting, exclusive relationships that, yep, were filled with mediocre sex. I thought something was wrong with me, that it was my fault that sex wasn’t enjoyable.

Years later I’m realizing that, nope, it wasn’t me. No, it was the lack of communication. I’m not referencing dirty talk – I’m talking about discussing sex pre, during, and post romp session. Only after having a long-term relationship in which I finally felt comfortable being honest did I realize: our openness when it came to sex made it enjoyable. I was free to express my wants and needs, and they were free to do the same. I wasn’t broken, just shy and somewhat shameful (thanks, stigma). 

While that relationship has since ended, it’s empowered me to be direct during sex, be it with a one night stand or committed partner. And guess what – I’m having good sex again. These are my tips on how to communicate throughout the sexual process, from the beginning of the hookup to its end.

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The First Pre-Sex Discussion: What Are We Doing?

When it comes down to it, most discussions before sex are the same: STI status, birth control, and…that’s about it. In long-term relationships, and some select friends-with-benefits situations, it can be easier to discuss sexual details outside of the norm — after all, you’re familiar with this person. One-night-stands, on the other hand, are fresh and exciting, but you may not feel comfortable verbalizing certain things or getting into your fantasies — who knows if you’ll see them again?

This is why you should always discuss the situation before getting down to business. If you’ve just met, you should ask: “what are you looking for?” If you’re hoping it’s just a passionate night of random sex, you need to say that, and they should be straightforward too. Discuss the basics, make sure a condom is used, and enjoy yourself!

Friends-with-benefits situations can be a little tricky, especially if you’ve known this person for a while and are transitioning from zero to multiple benefits. Are you looking for a relationship? Are they looking for more? Are you allowed to hook up with and see other people? Miscommunication can lead to someone’s feelings being hurt because they read the situation incorrectly. (I’ve been on both ends, and it can suck.) The last thing you want to do is muddy the waters and lose a good friend because you weren’t on the same page.

 
 
 
 
 
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Finally, in long-term relationships, you deserve to feel pleasure — both of you do. If you’ve been together for a long time, you most likely don’t have to have the “what are we?” talk, because…well, you’re in a long-term relationship. If it’s monogamous, you’ll know each other’s STI and birth control status, and you can skip to the good stuff. However, some partners don’t open up, and they can spend months — if not years — feeling like sex isn’t what they want it to be. If that’s the case for you, these tips can help.


The First-Time Pre-Sex Talk

Before you jump into the sheets, it’s important to discuss details beforehand — especially if you’re sleeping with someone new. The first thing you should discuss before moving any further: your sexual status. Are you on birth control if there’s a possibility of getting pregnant? When was the last time you were both tested for STIs, and what were the results? If you’re in a long-term relationship, you might forego condoms, but any new partners — especially if either of you is still hooking up with other people — should definitely be wearing them. The last thing you want from a one-night stand is an STI marring the experience.

Once you have the basics out of the way, it’s time to discuss boundaries. Some people are triggered by different touches and/or actions, while a specific word may be enough to send someone running. Though a safe word may seem like it’s only used in 50-Shades-of-Grey situations, you should absolutely choose one beforehand, just in case one of you gets too in the moment and crosses a line. You might feel that you have to justify your boundaries, but if you don’t feel like opening that can of worms, your partner isn’t entitled to the details. If they try to pressure you to do something you’ve stated that you don’t like, that’s a good sign to call an Uber immediately.

Finally: girl, you deserve to get off, too! It might feel awkward, but the best way to avoid mediocre sex is by stating what makes you feel good. That way, you’re not missing out on foreplay that gets you going, or wasting time with specific moves when you need some clit action instead. If you’re into toys, own it rather than feeling embarrassed by it. Should your partner feel threatened by what makes you feel good, it’s an indicator that, one, they’re insecure, and two, they don’t care about what helps you O. Avoid that before stripping down.

 
 
 
 
 
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During Sex

Just because your partner made it past the pre-discussion doesn’t mean you should let them off the hook during. Now’s the time to speak up!

 
 
 
 
 
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Throughout the process, actively say what feels good and what doesn’t. You don’t need to shut them down entirely — nobody wants to hear “you’re doing that wrong.” Instead, coax them into doing what feels good by using words they like to hear (think: “just like that” and “it feels so good when you do that”). If they’re heading in the right direction, encourage them and subtly direct them (for example: “more pressure,” “faster”). If you feel too awkward verbalizing what’s not doing it for you, you can gently move their hand or adjust angles. If they’re a good sexual partner, they’ll get the hint.

Friends with benefits and long-term partners will feel less hurt if you tell them what’s not working (though you should still be kind!), and you should let them know that you expect them to tell you what works and what doesn’t work on their end, too.

 

 
 
 
 
 
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Post-Sex Convos

If you just had a one-night stand, I sincerely hope it was worth it. When it comes to post-sex discussion, it can be slightly awkward — you just had sex, and now you’re supposed to talk? In these situations, it’s best to be nice. Feel free to flatter them, especially if you don’t expect to see them again — there’s no point in bruising someone’s ego. If they’re at your place and you feel comfortable with them staying (especially if they’re not in the space to travel), you can offer them the couch and a blanket. If you want them to leave, you can politely ask if they’d like for you to call them a cab. If you’re at their place, pay attention to their words and subtle actions — no one wants to overstay their welcome.

 
 
 
 
 
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In relationships and friends-with-benefit situations, you can go more in-depth assuming you genuinely like the person. Emphasize what felt amazing, and subtly fit in what didn’t. If they did something new that felt good, reiterate that you’d like for them to do that again. And if they were headed in the right direction but slightly missed the mark, tell them that you’d like to build upon it. Be gentle! Even if you know this person, they have feelings, too, and no one wants to hear that they’re bad at sex.


The Take-Home Message

Every situation is different, and no sexual experience will be identical to the last – even if it’s with the same person. Open communication can be a game-changer and heat up your sex life, especially when you’re both honest about what gets you off. Say goodbye to bad sex and hello to a whole new sexual experience – starring your pleasure, this time.

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How do you open the lines of communication during sex? Anything you recommend saying? Share your tips in the comments!


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