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Social Anxiety (And Fall Floral Dresses – YAY)
HumorLifestyle

Social Anxiety (And Fall Floral Dresses – YAY)

by Kelly Castillo

So, yay let’s talk about something really uplifting like social anxiety. Woo hoo. I’m not talking about crushing, can’t-leave-my-house level social anxiety because don’t worry sister we will totally talk about that. My son has struggled with that and it has completely broken my mom-heart and then jumped on the shattered pieces and kicked the shards into the dirty gutter so we will definitely get to that topic for reals. But today, we will talk about garden variety, I’m a dork and hate people level social anxiety.

I don’t actually hate people. I like people…. in small, measured doses of my own choosing with plenty of space in between. I like people I already know. And then I like to put my inside clothes back on and climb into my bed cocoon and not do the people thing again for a few days. I think the smartypants scientists would call me an introvert. Which is funny because my friends would argue with me and swear I’m not because I’m so funny and outgoing when I’m out in public or at a party etc. But ya ok, that’s because I know you and I’ve had a glass of wine aka mommy’s gogo juice and you already promised me three times you would not leave my side even for two minutes at this event so I feel comfortable enough to be sociable.

rose garden

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I will never ever ever go to a party alone. Never ever ever. I would rather wrestle that bear from The Revenant.  And when I am around people who are particularly unwelcoming or snobbish, my default reaction isn’t what you think. I don’t get quiet and internal, I don’t go all turtle in my shell… I get sarcastic and sharp tongued. I’m never rude, don’t get me wrong. Daddy raised me right, I’m a lady. But I can deliver a back handed compliment better than any Southern Belle you’ve ever met and I don’t even need a “bless your heart” at the end for the poor soul to know they’ve been insulted. They may not get it until later that night, but their little brains will catch up eventually. I just cannot stand snobbery or rude people- bitch why did you invite me if you’re just going to be rude to me? I didn’t even want to come, y’all know I’d rather be in my pajamas watching my murder shows but here I am so let’s fucking do this!

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I never expect people to remember me, ever. So if I see you in public and don’t say HI it’s because I am assuming you have no clue who I am and want to avoid the awkward re-introduce. Is there anything worse than saying hello to someone and then realizing by the look on their face that they have absolutely no idea who you are? So fucking awkward. So YES I know exactly who you are- if you say hello I will happily say hi, ask about your husband and kids and remember the name of your dog etc. But I won’t initiate contact because I just can’t assume you know who I am.

Also if we do run into each other and you do say hello and then at the end you tell me to call you and we will get together and “have lunch,” I will assume you are being nice and I will not call you. I am giving you an out since people say that stuff all the time as a polite way to end conversation don’t they? At least I assume they do, I don’t know! I’m not gonna hold you to it and then actually call you to ask when you want to get together like some stalker… if you want to have lunch with me you will have to text me or DM me multiple times like everyone else until I finally get back to you. Because I am probably in my pajamas in my bed cocoon watching my murder shows.

This dress is Kate Spade from last year, but I couldn’t find it available anywhere… so I linked some similar styles. All under $500 and some on sale!

xo Kelly

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white cat
Humor

Why does my brain go straight to murder?

by Kelly Castillo

Okay, so apparently I have a lot of repressed aggression. Like homicidal aggression and only very lightly repressed, bubbling just below the surface of my seemingly zen appearance. I might look like your typical OC suburban mom, but who knew I was harboring such Dexter level thoughts like a Titanic iceberg ready to sink this whole ship? Y’all didn’t know we were doing confessions today did you???? Oh yes sisters, we ’bout to spill the tea on how I realized I might be a homicidal maniac.

I walked into my closet yesterday afternoon, feeling very smug because I had just redone my closet and I’m quite happy with the way it looks. I’ve been trying to work on prettying up the shelving unit I just bought to display all my purses and thought it would be an ideal time to rearrange things- Alex didn’t sleep well at all the night before and had just gone down for a nap. (Side note we can explore later- he’s having some “oh my god I’m about to die what was the meaning of my whole life type crisis. Is there such a thing as a late life crisis similar to a mid life one? He’s obsessed with estate planning and it’s keeping him up at night) ANYHOO- I walk into my closet and look down at my fave Chanel boots thinking “Oh hey its Pumpkin Spice Latte day which means it’s finally acceptable to wear boots”- here in California we don’t have weather or seasons so we tell fashion cues by Starbucks cups and drinks. Pumpkin spice latte day means ankle boots can come out to play and Christmas cups means cashmere and full boots and scarves are now acceptable. Again with the anyhoo- there was a MOTHER FUCKING MOUSE sitting on my Chanel. Just sitting there looking up at me like hmmm, I like the makeover in here, it’s looking good.

polka dot dress

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Ya, that’s a NOPE for me dawg. I don’t do rodents. I’m not catching Ebola in my own damn home. I looked over at my “guard”dog who will gladly eat the gardener or mailman alive and he was smiling at this damn mouse like it was the cutest thing he’d seen all day. Didn’t even know the stupid dog could smile. I mean, the mouse was cute but like outdoors cute not cute in my closet. Not even Fievel was that fucking cute. So I go outside and get one of our mouser cats we have on property to keep mice and rats out of our hay barn. This black cat is like the Pablo Escobar of the neighborhood. He kills mice and rats and lizards, yes but I also find dead birds near his enclosure too which really pisses me off. Why don’t they fly away? They can FLY! How do they not escape him when they can FLY? So I figure I will let him come inside this one time to do what he does best, Alex won’t care since he’s asleep and won’t know and I will solve the mouse issue.  I go outside to like the shady side of town and hire the mouse hitman and bring him back to my closet and show him the mouse and basically chaos ensues. Have you seen the movie Mouse Hunt?

In the movie Mouse Hunt two men inherit a mansion only to find it has a small mouse living in it. In an attempt to get rid of the mouse they essentially destroy the entire home. So imagine me and the cat chasing the mouse all over the bedroom while also trying to be super quiet and not wake Alex while the mouse and cat run up the curtains which surround the bed, go under the bed, etc etc. This is one of many many many times I thought to myself that I really need a camera crew to follow me around because my life is hilarious. We (Cat who I am sorry I did not properly introduce, his name is The Great Catsby and I) did NOT catch the mouse but we did manage to wake Alex up. He stands up, sees me chasing the cat who is chasing the mouse and the two dogs who are following us both and starts laughing and shaking his head. I try to explain my plan and he is just laughing harder.

fat cat

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So Alex walks to the patio door that leads out to the pool deck and opens it up and says “did you try letting the mouse outside? Or your twisted brain when straight to murder?” And that ladies and gentleman is where we stand… apparently my brain goes straight to murder? What is wrong with me? The mouse went right out when he opened the door and looked relieved frankly to be given the option. The cat was put back outside to terrorize the local wildlife and I am left to ponder my homicidal instincts.

Since sadly my blog budget does not yet allow for a full time camera crew to capture my every day hi jinks (whomp whomp whomp sad trombone) I have included these photos of me with a less murderous kitty because Catsby does not like to be held and/or photographed (he may be wanted by law enforcement) and one without the cat because we hadn’t gotten to the cat part of the story yet so ya there you go. Also the polka dot dress is available on my blog shop if you just have to have it or whatever, it’s pretty cute. The cat is not for sale, sorry.

xo Kelly

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I Started Jogging Because I Am Lazy (For Reals)
HumorLifestyle

I Started Jogging Because I Am Lazy (For Reals)

by admin

I recently started jogging, maybe around 6 weeks ago? It started by laziness. I know, that sounds insane but it’s true. I have two dogs and one of them is super hyper and needs exercise (or an exorcism, the jury is out) to avoid getting the “zoomies” which is an adorable word some animal lover came up with for doggie ADHD. The other dog we adopted from the shelter last year and he almost immediately became obese just from the sheer joy of living in air conditioning with ample food, treats, and a comfy bed. Non-homelessness agrees with him apparently.

So my husband has guilted me into taking them on a walk every day and that combined with my Apple watch’s obsession with me hitting 15,000 steps results in me walking every morning. That’s fine, I actually love walking and hiking. Always have. But jogging, not so much. I have always joked that I only run if something is chasing me. And only then if it’s something really bad- like a clown. But here’s where my laziness comes into play.

My dogs also like walking. But they have their own agenda. The minute we step outside the gates of our home they believe that they are filming a two hour episode of CSI: Canine Edition. It literally takes them two hours to walk one mile. Pass a coyote poop? 5 solid minutes to analyze the coyote’s last meal, his known associates, previous aliases, favorite hangouts, etc. See a rabbit sprint into some bushes? We have to initiate a missing persons investigation until they are located. We may be there all day. The final straw was when we found a rattlesnake in the road that had been hit by a car. They got our their crime scene kits and got to work. They analyzed his last know whereabouts, went door to door to interview potential witnesses to the accident, put up crime scene tape, established a perimeter, and 20 minutes later had the likely make and model of the perp’s vehicle. And I hadn’t broken a sweat, I was actually wishing I had brought a lawn chair with me.

I know what you’re thinking. This is an issue of poor dog training. Believe me, I know. It’s an issue of ME being a terrible authority figure. My dogs are perfectly leash trained, I promise. I just suck at being a leader. Ask my kids, ask my cats, chickens, horses, ask anyone honestly. I’m just terrible and I know myself well enough by now to know I am not going to change. So please save your speeches about being the alpha and using your authoritative voice and all that, if I didn’t learn that raising four kids, it ain’t gonna happen. Nobody listens to me and I’ve made my peace with that. Womp womp womp, sad trombone music.

So what did I figure out to get my steps in without spending hours on the trail? I realized if I pick up the pace to a light jog they focus on moving and don’t stop unless they’re doing their business and I can get the whole mile and a half route done in about 20-25 minutes! It’s awesome, I don’t even mind the whole jogging part, I am actually starting to like it. I close my exercise ring and get to park my lazy butt back on the sofa faster. Leo the giant hairy potato dog is getting a little bit of a waist, he’s looking more like a fingerling potato and less like a russet. So everybody wins, yay! My laziness actually pays off- look at that.

I’ve added some of my fave tools that I’ve discovered over the last few weeks to help me on my little jogs. Headphones I love to keep my feet moving (I listen to girl power tunes or Pitbull, so much Pitbull), my runners, a little arm band to hold my phone (I was tucking it in my sports bra before which I don’t recommend), a good sports bra is ESSENTIAL- your cute little yoga bra will not be enough ladies. I cannot stress this enough. If your boobs are anything above an A, you gotta get a good strong sports bra and strap the girls down. I’ve always said my boobs look spectacular because I never fucking run. Well now I gotta keep ’em strapped. Gravity is one helluva bitch. These little running shorts have chonies (panties for you fancy bitches) built in and I love these headbands for keeping the sweat from ruining my extensions.

xo Kelly

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Leo
Humor

Why My Dog Groomer And I Are In A Fight

by admin

How does this type of thing even happen? My dog groomer and I? We in a fight. Not a physical fight (obviously, I am a classy lady) but I am thinking of writing a strongly worded letter so you know it’s serious.

It has been incredibly, uncomfortably, unreasonably hot the last few weeks. My large dog Leo, who we adopted last October, has been miserable. He has basically decided to spend his days laying on his belly in the master bedroom shower with his legs splayed out to the sides allowing the maximum surface area of his body to rest on the cool limestone floor. I don’t blame him. Honestly if I would have thought of it first, I would have claimed that spot. Occasionally he will go outside and climb into the fountain and let the water roll over his back which also seems like an excellent idea and I am also jealous for not thinking of it first.

So this week when I took him to his usual bath appointment I asked them to schedule extra time because I wanted him groomed not just bathed. She seemed kinda confused so when I dropped him off I told the lady (my exact words), “He’s wearing hair pants and I think he’d be way more comfortable in like hair shorts, you know, cause it’s Summer”.  That seems straight forward enough, no?

I came back 4 (4??!!) hours later and they handed him back to me and he looked…… exactly the same. Exactly the damn same. I was like, excuse me, he’s still wearing his hair pants? Like, these aren’t even hair culottes or something? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? And she explains how she “thinned out” his hair which to give her some credit I could feel that his coat was thinner but lady, I asked you to cut it like with actual scissors???? Why did you not listen to me? I am sure the thinning helps and feels better but what about the hair pants?

So then the lady looks me dead in my face and says “this breed doesn’t traditionally get haircuts” !!!!!! OH MY GOD I legit had to take like ten deep cleansing breaths and let Jesus take the wheel for a minute because I was about to act unladylike. I paid my bill and smiled through gritted teeth and left but inside my head I am like “BITCH HE ISN’T EVEN A BREED, WTF ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!?  I PAID $76 FOR HIM AT THE SHELTER. EVEN THE DNA TEST I SENT IN FOR HIM ONLINE? THEY PRETTY MUCH SENT ME BACK THE EMOJI OF THE GIRL SHRUGGING LIKE SORRY YOU BASICALLY ADOPTED A 93 POUND HAIRY POTATO THAT YOU’LL NEED TO KEEP ALIVE FOR THE NEXT 8 YEARS. HE DOES NOT HAVE A BREED SO I CAN CUT HIS DAMN HAIR ALL I WANT. I COULD SHAVE HIM BALD AND DYE HIM PURPLE IF I WANTED.”

So now I need to find a new groomer who will cut his hair like I ask. And in Leo’s defense, he wanted me to add that he did in fact get DNA results and it was 0% potato. He got offended by that. My apologies. He is 25% German Shepherd. The rest is Chow, Lab, Husky, Samoyed, Rottweiler, and Golden Retriever.

 

xo Kelly Castillo

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Me reading a book
BooksHumor

My Not For Reals Summer Book Club

by admin

 

Me reading a book

 

I’m planning to read a bunch this summer because I tend to find myself with more times on my hands without a school schedule and we travel quite a bit which means I have to pack a ton of books since I get bored easily and also I am so pale that I have to hide indoors from the sun (perfect excuse to read).

So here are some of my summer reading recommendations for y’all, think of it like a summer book club except: I don’t want to meet in real life to discuss these books because 1) what if you hate the books I recommended and then we can’t be friends any more because I will realize you have terrible taste in books, 2) I don’t want to change out of my pajamas and strap on some shape wear let’s be honest and 3) I already have wine here and chocolate covered pretzels so I am ALL GOOD.

Here’s my summer reading list for your enjoyment (or not, but please don’t tell me). I have included the Amazon links but yo check out your local library cause they seriously just let you have that shit for FREEEEEEE!


This oldie but goodie never disappoints. Laugh until you pee a little (if like me you’ve had 4 ginormous human babies through natural childbirth and are too lazy to do kegels all day) and feel not so bad about yourself after. Jen is all of us.

 

This one is a page turner, I sacrificed sleep to finish it and I LOVE my sleep so you know it’s good. Also I love any book that is about the circus and or circus folk. I hang onto the little bit of heritage I have, where my circus folk at? Holla.

 

Ok where my cerebrals at? This is SUCH a good read, but bitch you gotta pay attention. You gotta focus your brain cells so no half asleep fluff reading, this is some next level shit. But worth it. If you’re not into paying that much attention, don’t watch the show based on this novel cause you won’t have one fucking clue what’s happening. Just ogle Ricky Whittle then.

 

I know I talk about this book all the time, but honestly I think Samantha Irby might be my spirit animal.  She like truly gets me, my love of trash food, my refusal to put on proper pants, my inability to balance a checkbook, everything.

 

Before there were whole television networks dedicated to keeping me entertained with murder mysteries and forensic investigations, there was my love of Stephen King and Dean Koontz. I read all of their books when I was young and couldn’t get enough. I haven’t read this one yet, but it’s top of my summer wish list! I love the mysteries better than the supernatural stuff from Mr. King, I will let y’all know what I think.

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lifestyle photo
HumorParenting

Why I Monogram All My Shit

by Kelly Castillo

I am a mom. For the past twenty plus years I have been identified more as “so-and-so’s mom” than as Kelly. Add on top of that the fact that when you have four kids very close in age (18 months apart and they might as well be twins honestly except for the two labors which feels unfair, no?) there is absolutely no sense of personal ownership possible in the house unless everyone enjoys living in World War III on the daily.

Everybody in our house shared everything- toys, clothes, bikes, tv, rooms, etc etc. The only thing anyone ever owned was my second son’s Wubby, a pink stuffed rabbit which we mistakenly left in a motel on a road trip thereafter referred to as the “Blvd of Tears”. The exact same rabbit was quickly located and purchased but rejected immediately because it did not “smell” the same (thank God, ewww).

I’ve been relinquishing covers, sips of my sodas, bites of my food or my entire entree, the last ice cream bar, and pretty much everything else in my entire adult life. Once my girls hit about thirteen they started stealing my clothes, shoes, bags, jewelry and makeup. Even my underwear. Is nothing sacred?? So one Christmas when I was gifted a mug with a K on the side, I proudly declared that it was Mommy’s and nobody could argue since my initial was right there.

Now I monogram everything. Seriously, everything. My towels, my bedding, my robe, every single mug, jewelry, clothing, handbags, everything. If it’s possible to pay extra to have my initial put on something, then by God I will do it.

This blazer is one of my new favorite purchases because, hello, it has my monogram right on the side! And it was totally customizable. It can be worn buttoned as a dress too- hey date night, how you doin’? You can order your own here. And here is another company I love that will monogram all your shit for you, they’ll even sell you the initial patches to monogram your own shit.  That killer K necklace I am wearing all over my instagram, find it here.

K necklace

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xo Kelly Castillo

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