So, yay let’s talk about something really uplifting like social anxiety. Woo hoo. I’m not talking about crushing, can’t-leave-my-house level social anxiety because don’t worry sister we will totally talk about that. My son has struggled with that and it has completely broken my mom-heart and then jumped on the shattered pieces and kicked the shards into the dirty gutter so we will definitely get to that topic for reals. But today, we will talk about garden variety, I’m a dork and hate people level social anxiety.
I don’t actually hate people. I like people…. in small, measured doses of my own choosing with plenty of space in between. I like people I already know. And then I like to put my inside clothes back on and climb into my bed cocoon and not do the people thing again for a few days. I think the smartypants scientists would call me an introvert. Which is funny because my friends would argue with me and swear I’m not because I’m so funny and outgoing when I’m out in public or at a party etc. But ya ok, that’s because I know you and I’ve had a glass of wine aka mommy’s gogo juice and you already promised me three times you would not leave my side even for two minutes at this event so I feel comfortable enough to be sociable.
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I will never ever ever go to a party alone. Never ever ever. I would rather wrestle that bear from The Revenant. And when I am around people who are particularly unwelcoming or snobbish, my default reaction isn’t what you think. I don’t get quiet and internal, I don’t go all turtle in my shell… I get sarcastic and sharp tongued. I’m never rude, don’t get me wrong. Daddy raised me right, I’m a lady. But I can deliver a back handed compliment better than any Southern Belle you’ve ever met and I don’t even need a “bless your heart” at the end for the poor soul to know they’ve been insulted. They may not get it until later that night, but their little brains will catch up eventually. I just cannot stand snobbery or rude people- bitch why did you invite me if you’re just going to be rude to me? I didn’t even want to come, y’all know I’d rather be in my pajamas watching my murder shows but here I am so let’s fucking do this!
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I never expect people to remember me, ever. So if I see you in public and don’t say HI it’s because I am assuming you have no clue who I am and want to avoid the awkward re-introduce. Is there anything worse than saying hello to someone and then realizing by the look on their face that they have absolutely no idea who you are? So fucking awkward. So YES I know exactly who you are- if you say hello I will happily say hi, ask about your husband and kids and remember the name of your dog etc. But I won’t initiate contact because I just can’t assume you know who I am.
Also if we do run into each other and you do say hello and then at the end you tell me to call you and we will get together and “have lunch,” I will assume you are being nice and I will not call you. I am giving you an out since people say that stuff all the time as a polite way to end conversation don’t they? At least I assume they do, I don’t know! I’m not gonna hold you to it and then actually call you to ask when you want to get together like some stalker… if you want to have lunch with me you will have to text me or DM me multiple times like everyone else until I finally get back to you. Because I am probably in my pajamas in my bed cocoon watching my murder shows.
This dress is Kate Spade from last year, but I couldn’t find it available anywhere… so I linked some similar styles. All under $500 and some on sale!
