I recently started jogging, maybe around 6 weeks ago? It started by laziness. I know, that sounds insane but it’s true. I have two dogs and one of them is super hyper and needs exercise (or an exorcism, the jury is out) to avoid getting the “zoomies” which is an adorable word some animal lover came up with for doggie ADHD. The other dog we adopted from the shelter last year and he almost immediately became obese just from the sheer joy of living in air conditioning with ample food, treats, and a comfy bed. Non-homelessness agrees with him apparently.

So my husband has guilted me into taking them on a walk every day and that combined with my Apple watch’s obsession with me hitting 15,000 steps results in me walking every morning. That’s fine, I actually love walking and hiking. Always have. But jogging, not so much. I have always joked that I only run if something is chasing me. And only then if it’s something really bad- like a clown. But here’s where my laziness comes into play.

My dogs also like walking. But they have their own agenda. The minute we step outside the gates of our home they believe that they are filming a two hour episode of CSI: Canine Edition. It literally takes them two hours to walk one mile. Pass a coyote poop? 5 solid minutes to analyze the coyote’s last meal, his known associates, previous aliases, favorite hangouts, etc. See a rabbit sprint into some bushes? We have to initiate a missing persons investigation until they are located. We may be there all day. The final straw was when we found a rattlesnake in the road that had been hit by a car. They got our their crime scene kits and got to work. They analyzed his last know whereabouts, went door to door to interview potential witnesses to the accident, put up crime scene tape, established a perimeter, and 20 minutes later had the likely make and model of the perp’s vehicle. And I hadn’t broken a sweat, I was actually wishing I had brought a lawn chair with me.

I know what you’re thinking. This is an issue of poor dog training. Believe me, I know. It’s an issue of ME being a terrible authority figure. My dogs are perfectly leash trained, I promise. I just suck at being a leader. Ask my kids, ask my cats, chickens, horses, ask anyone honestly. I’m just terrible and I know myself well enough by now to know I am not going to change. So please save your speeches about being the alpha and using your authoritative voice and all that, if I didn’t learn that raising four kids, it ain’t gonna happen. Nobody listens to me and I’ve made my peace with that. Womp womp womp, sad trombone music.

So what did I figure out to get my steps in without spending hours on the trail? I realized if I pick up the pace to a light jog they focus on moving and don’t stop unless they’re doing their business and I can get the whole mile and a half route done in about 20-25 minutes! It’s awesome, I don’t even mind the whole jogging part, I am actually starting to like it. I close my exercise ring and get to park my lazy butt back on the sofa faster. Leo the giant hairy potato dog is getting a little bit of a waist, he’s looking more like a fingerling potato and less like a russet. So everybody wins, yay! My laziness actually pays off- look at that.

I’ve added some of my fave tools that I’ve discovered over the last few weeks to help me on my little jogs. Headphones I love to keep my feet moving (I listen to girl power tunes or Pitbull, so much Pitbull), my runners, a little arm band to hold my phone (I was tucking it in my sports bra before which I don’t recommend), a good sports bra is ESSENTIAL- your cute little yoga bra will not be enough ladies. I cannot stress this enough. If your boobs are anything above an A, you gotta get a good strong sports bra and strap the girls down. I’ve always said my boobs look spectacular because I never fucking run. Well now I gotta keep ’em strapped. Gravity is one helluva bitch. These little running shorts have chonies (panties for you fancy bitches) built in and I love these headbands for keeping the sweat from ruining my extensions.