How does this type of thing even happen? My dog groomer and I? We in a fight. Not a physical fight (obviously, I am a classy lady) but I am thinking of writing a strongly worded letter so you know it’s serious.

It has been incredibly, uncomfortably, unreasonably hot the last few weeks. My large dog Leo, who we adopted last October, has been miserable. He has basically decided to spend his days laying on his belly in the master bedroom shower with his legs splayed out to the sides allowing the maximum surface area of his body to rest on the cool limestone floor. I don’t blame him. Honestly if I would have thought of it first, I would have claimed that spot. Occasionally he will go outside and climb into the fountain and let the water roll over his back which also seems like an excellent idea and I am also jealous for not thinking of it first.

So this week when I took him to his usual bath appointment I asked them to schedule extra time because I wanted him groomed not just bathed. She seemed kinda confused so when I dropped him off I told the lady (my exact words), “He’s wearing hair pants and I think he’d be way more comfortable in like hair shorts, you know, cause it’s Summer”.  That seems straight forward enough, no?

I came back 4 (4??!!) hours later and they handed him back to me and he looked…… exactly the same. Exactly the damn same. I was like, excuse me, he’s still wearing his hair pants? Like, these aren’t even hair culottes or something? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? And she explains how she “thinned out” his hair which to give her some credit I could feel that his coat was thinner but lady, I asked you to cut it like with actual scissors???? Why did you not listen to me? I am sure the thinning helps and feels better but what about the hair pants?

So then the lady looks me dead in my face and says “this breed doesn’t traditionally get haircuts” !!!!!! OH MY GOD I legit had to take like ten deep cleansing breaths and let Jesus take the wheel for a minute because I was about to act unladylike. I paid my bill and smiled through gritted teeth and left but inside my head I am like “BITCH HE ISN’T EVEN A BREED, WTF ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!?  I PAID $76 FOR HIM AT THE SHELTER. EVEN THE DNA TEST I SENT IN FOR HIM ONLINE? THEY PRETTY MUCH SENT ME BACK THE EMOJI OF THE GIRL SHRUGGING LIKE SORRY YOU BASICALLY ADOPTED A 93 POUND HAIRY POTATO THAT YOU’LL NEED TO KEEP ALIVE FOR THE NEXT 8 YEARS. HE DOES NOT HAVE A BREED SO I CAN CUT HIS DAMN HAIR ALL I WANT. I COULD SHAVE HIM BALD AND DYE HIM PURPLE IF I WANTED.”

So now I need to find a new groomer who will cut his hair like I ask. And in Leo’s defense, he wanted me to add that he did in fact get DNA results and it was 0% potato. He got offended by that. My apologies. He is 25% German Shepherd. The rest is Chow, Lab, Husky, Samoyed, Rottweiler, and Golden Retriever.